So, tonight is my school’s homecoming dance. If you didn’t guess by the time stamp of this post, I’m not going. So I’m staying in tonight, writing and watching the IT movies (again). I’ll probably do some reading later. Maybe put on some Autoheart, or some Fleet Foxes. The night is full of possibilities.
I’ve been wondering why I’ve been doing so much more writing lately than usual. (Which still isn’t much. “More” is relative.) I think I’ve really just been using it as a kind of escapism… so emo shit ahoy.
I started thinking about this in my creative writing class. We were writing about how bad experiences are “trash” that, over time, breaks down into compost to grow the “flowers of writing” or something. But I realized that, for me, it’s kind of the opposite. Like, we’re working on short stories in that class right now. Mine’s about a boy who takes back his power from an abusive and manipulative relationship by regaining his ability to trust. I recently got out of a relationship like that, and I still haven’t found myself able to really trust other people. So, for whatever reason, I decided to write about someone who has. For me, the “compost” in this analogy is just being happy and at peace with my experiences. And writing is a process that, if it can’t turn my garbage into soil by itself, reminds me that things aren’t hopeless. That I’ll heal with time.
Same deal with the novel I’m working on. I’ve been dealing with loneliness/bullying/shit at home/etc. really often lately. So I’m writing about a found family who comes together on this fantasy mission and works together and bonds. If you can’t make your own friends, create some fake ones, right?
You can kind of see a shift in my writing where I moved cities because of that. At the beginning the focus was more on the friendships, because I’ve always been a lonely bastard. But since we’ve moved, there’s a little extra dimension of my characters being displaced and finding people through their movement, since that’s something I apparently can’t do either. Huh, didn’t even think about that before. Nothing like these stream-of-consciousness posts to stumble upon some epiphany. Usually a pathetic one.
Hopefully the kids in my class don’t see this since it’s homecoming weekend. I’m guessing they’re all at the dance tonight, and a few will probably be too hungover tomorrow to look at blogs (Do people actually drink at school dance afterparties? I wouldn’t know.). It’s fine if they do read this, I’m posting it online after all. It’s just kinda weird to think about a classmate with a bunch of friends who goes to parties seeing me post about being a loser and not going to said parties.
I don’t really have a good place to end this. If you’ll excuse me, the IT kids are about to go into the Neibolt House and that requires my full attention. Peace.